Attorney Jokes - The Good, The Bad And The Dirty

WARNING: Some of these jokes are in terrible taste. Some areindecent. A few are obscene. But we are speakme about lawyers...

PARENTS: Some of the jokes on thissite might not be suitable for youngsters.

New jokes have a tendency to be on the pinnacle of acategory.During the mid-1980sdairy farmers determined there was too much cheap milk at thesupermarket. So the government bought and slaughtered 1.6million cows. How come the authorities by no means does anything likethis with lawyers?- P.J. O'RourkeMENUUpdated 31 Oct 10

Q & A Form JokesLiterary Lawyer PutdownsStory JokesLawyer-Related Jokes

Q: What do you name a smiling, courteous man or woman at a bar association conference?A: The caterer.

Q: What's the distinction between a woman lawyer and a pitbull?A: Lipstick.

Q: What do you call a legal professional with an IQ of a hundred?A: Your Honor.Q: What do you name a lawyer with an IQ of fiftyA: Senator.

Q: What's the difference between an accountant and a attorney?A: Accountants understand they're dull.

Q: What's the only element that in no way works when it is fixed?A: A jury.

Q: Why did God invent lawyers?A: So that actual property dealers could have a person to appearance down on.

Q: What's the distinction among a vacuum cleaner and a attorney on a bike?A: The vacuum purifier has the dirt bag at the interior.

Q: What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?A: A boxing referee would not get paid more for an extended fight.

Q: What's the difference among a very good lawyer and a horrific legal professional?A: A horrific legal professional makes your case drag on for years. A accurate legal professional makes it closing even longer.

Q: What's the distinction between a jellyfish and a legal professional?A: One's a spineless, toxic blob. The other is a shape of sea lifestyles.

Q: What's the distinction among a legal professional and a trampoline?A: You take off your footwear earlier than you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the distinction among a attorney and a leech?A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.

Q: What's the distinction between a legal professional and God?A: God would not think he is a attorney.

Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?A: They both look good putting from a tree.

Q: How can a pregnant girl inform that she's carrying a destiny attorney?A: She has an uncontrollable longing for bologna.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?A: First he lies on one facet, then he lies on the opposite.

Q: How many legal professional jokes are there?A: Only three. The rest are genuine testimonies.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder organisation.

Q: What are attorneys accurate for?A: They make used automobile salesmen look suitable.

Q: What do dinosaurs and respectable attorneys have in common?A: They're each extinct.

Q: What do you call 25 lawyers buried up to their chins in cement?A: Not enough cement.

Q: What do you name 25 skydiving attorneys?A: Skeet.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad.A: Senator.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning attorney?A: His companions.

Q: What does a lawyer get whilst you deliver him Viagra?A: Taller

Q: What's brown and appears genuinely suitable on a lawyer?A: A Doberman.

Q: What's the distinction between a attorney and a liar?A: The pronunciation.

Q: What's the distinction among a attorney and a prostitute?A: A prostitute will prevent screwing you while you're dead.

Q: What's the distinction between a legal professional and a vulture?A: The legal professional receives common flyer miles.

Q: What's the distinction between a mosquito and a attorney?A: One is a blood-sucking parasite, the opposite is an insect.

Q: Why did God make snakes simply earlier than attorneys?A: To exercise.

Q: What's the distinction between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?A: The lawyer fees extra.

Q: What's the difference among a tick and a attorney?A: The tick falls off whilst you are lifeless.

Q: What do you get when you go a blonde and a legal professional?A: I don't know. There are a few matters even a blonde might not do.

Q: Know how copper cord changed into invented?A: Two attorneys had been combating over a penny.

Q: Why does the regulation society restrict sex between lawyers and their customers?A: To save you clients from being billed twice for essentially the identical provider.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a attorney need to?A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Q: How can you inform whilst a attorney is lying?A: Their lips are transferring.

Q: Why did New Jersey get all of the toxic waste and California all the attorneys?A: New Jersey got to select first.

Q: Why don't lawyers visit the seaside?A: Cats preserve trying to bury them.

Q: What do you call 5000 useless attorneys at the lowest of the ocean?A: A exact start!

Q: What's the distinction among a lifeless skunk in the street and a lifeless attorney in the road?A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: Why won't sharks assault legal professionals?A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have while a legal professional is buried as much as his neck in sand?A: Not sufficient sand.

Q: How do you get a attorney out of a tree?A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you recognize how to save a drowning legal professional?A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: What's the difference among a lawyer and a bucket of manure?A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that is a disgrace")?A: When a busload of attorneys is going off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?A: There turned into an empty seat.

Q: What do you get whilst you pass the Godfather with a legal professional?A: An offer you can't recognize

Q: Why is it that many lawyers have damaged noses?A: From chasing parked ambulances.

Q: Where are you able to find a top attorney?A: In the cemetery

Q: What's the distinction among a attorney and a gigolo?A: A gigolo handiest screws one individual at a time.

Q: What's the difference among a legal professional and a vampire?A: A vampire handiest sucks blood at night.

Q: Why to attorneys put on neckties?A: To hold the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

Q: What is the distinction among a legal professional and a hen?A: When a poultry wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

Q: How many law professors does it take to alternate a light bulb?A: Hell, you need 250 simply to lobby for the research grant.

Q: If you spot a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?A: It is probably your bicycle.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous character at a bar affiliation convention?A: The caterer.

Q: Why do they bury attorneys under 20 ft of dust?A: Because deep down, they're definitely precise humans.

Q: Why are legal professionals like nuclear guns?A: If one aspect has one, the other side has to get one. Once released, they can't be recalled. When they land, they screw up the entirety for all time.

Q: What do legal professionals and sperm have in commonplace?A: One in three,000,000 has a danger of turning into a person.

Literary Lawyer Putdowns

The Penalty for laughing in court is six months in prison; if itwere not for this penalty, the jury might never pay attention theevidence.- H. L. Mencken

Lawyers from time to time stumble over the reality, but maximum of them pickthemselves up and hurry off as if nothing had befell.- Winston Churchill

Lorenzo Dow, a nineteenth century evangelist, changed into on a preaching tourwhen he got here to a small city one cold winter night. At the localgeneral shop he saw the metropolis's attorneys gathered around thepotbellied range.

Dow advised the men about a latest imaginative and prescient in which he have been givena excursion of hell, just like the traveller in Dante's Inferno. Oneof the lawyers asked what he had visible.

"Very a lot what I see right here," Dow said. "All of the lawyersgathered within the hottest vicinity."

Sometimes a man who deserves to be appeared down upon because he isa idiot is despised simplest due to the fact he's a lawyer. -- Montesquieu

Lawyers are like rhinoceroses: thick skinned, brief-sighted, andalways geared up to rate.- David Mellor (b. 1949), British Conservative baby-kisser